– by Paul Nyamuda
As I counsel couples I see that a lot of people today feel insecure in their marriages. God should be our ultimate source of identity and security, whilst our spouses are the primary ministers of God’s heart toward us. Your behaviour, words, and attitude should reinforce God’s refuge place for your spouse. Sadly, many times we do things knowingly or unknowingly that increase the sense of insecurity and erode any security that was there in the first place. The word secure comes from two Latin words meaning “Without care or worry”. Men, the safest place for your wife should be in your arms. When you feel secure your thoughts are “I feel safe”, “Things will work out”, “Every little thing is going to be alright!”, “It doesn’t matter where we go, as long as you are with me it will be fine.” Gentlemen, make her feel secure in your relationship and she will move mountains for you!
Try these tips:
Here are some scripts that you can use to communicate what your spouse can do to help you to feel more secure in your marriage. I feel more secure in our marriage when you verbalise your commitment to me; pray for me; run my bath; tell me how much you love me. I feel secure when you are tender to me and listen with empathy. When you get me medicine when I am sick; kiss me hello or goodbye; verbally affirm my appearance; send me an affectionate text during the day; or hug me affectionately. This builds a sense of security in our marriage. When you comfort me; spend time with the kids; verbally affirm me in front of others, and demonstrate public displays of affection toward me. When you proactively plan for the family’s needs; when you minister with me or tuck me in bed; when you assist me in problem solving; when you demonstrate domestic commitment; and when you show me that I come first, before your work, friends, and hobbies.
Safety precedes love
Make it your goal this month to proactively fill your spouse’s love tank by doing these practical things that increase the sense of security in your marriage. You will be amazed how they become the best version of themselves simply because they feel safe. It’s easier for someone to authentically love you and make themselves vulnerable when they feel safe.
How can you heal your spouse?
Make a list of your spouse’s insecurities. What can you do to minister healing in these areas? Ladies, how can you make your husband feel more secure? Understand his manhood and his need for work. Demonstrate respect. Understand his sexual needs. Adapt to him and share his dreams. Husbands, how can you make your wives feel more secure? Be thoughtful and demonstrate empathy with regards to her female world. Make love with passion and focus instead of just going through the motions. Demonstrate domestic commitment by investing in your family and not just your “toys” and projects. Appreciate her menial tasks. Build trust by doing what you said you would do. Express praise and affection publicly (especially in front of other women). Be consistent, clear, and decisive. Your indecisiveness and passivity can make her feel insecure. Finally, my wife tells me that she feels secure when she knows I have been praying for her.
Paul Nyamuda is the senior pastor of Go Christian Church in Centurion. He has authored 28 books on marriage, leadership, personal mastery, and business. Visit www.marriagecoachinginstitute.com. Building Your Self-Esteem is available in major Bookstores nationwide and the E-copy is availble on Amazon.
JOY! Magazine (January 2018)